the root

I was recently confronted by two different people a day apart about the "root" of certain fears I have intermittently in my life. This made me mad. I could blow off the first one easy enough but the same question twice in less than 24 hours. Hmmmm, maybe it's God. Ya think? So I'm praying - nothing.Then later when I'm eating the Lord shows me the root of my fears. I saw myself as a boy(7 or 8 years old) running a 5O yard dash against this kid Mike Higashi. I was running as fast as I could but he was beating me easily. Then I felt my upper body move forward and my legs just couldn't get underneath my shoulders and I fell then rolled in a dusty cloud. My father was on the other side of the track with my little brother so he had his friend watching me. At the end of the race I was crying of course and my did dad's friend says "you're not hurt, you're bawlin' 'cause ya got beat - knock it off and let's go see your dad" It's true, I wasn't hurt really and getting beat felt bad but I was crying because I tried my hardest and I couldn't even stay on my feet.
I never knew how much that day changed me until today. Often I would hold back just a little so as not to do my best so if I failed I wouldn't have that feeling of having to spit dirt at the end of the race after falling. Somehow I got the message that trying my best would hurt me and wasn't worth the danger. At age 29 I struggled to give that up and I did for the most part. When I returned to University I went from previously being an C- student to an A student. But every once in a while I start to feel like my upper body is moving forward and my legs can't keep up. In other words I feel like I'm gonna take another dirt dive. I don't like that feeling . Lately I have been trying to live what I preach " Go Big or Go Home". Part of me wants to hold back just in case things don't work out, so as I can stay on my feet.
Not this time - If I eat dirt fine - but I will swallow it knowing that I did my very best for the King of Glory. Nothing less will do.